last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
