Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
