His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
