I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
