I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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