No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
