Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
