She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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