"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
