I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I can't turn off my feet"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
