she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
