Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
