Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
