Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
