I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
