OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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