she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
