can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
