Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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