I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
