Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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