Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
