Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
