the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
