Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
