I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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