She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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