i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
