My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
