Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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