Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
