I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
