I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
