Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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