That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
