you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
