I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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