coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
