Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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