I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
