just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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