When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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