Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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