Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
