a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
