There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Also, beer. Big fan.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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