Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
