i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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