i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
