in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
