my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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