I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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