So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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