what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
