I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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