Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you didnt know i had herpes?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
