Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
