I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
